Today K and I went to the playground for a little fresh air (as we do most days). Unfortunately, we had to cut our rendezvous short as there seemed to be an unusually high number of little weiners at the park.
Now, when I say "little weiners", I mean those seemingly parent-less kids who get some sort of sick thrill out of tormenting unsuspecting patrons of the playground (and their parents). So this post is dedicated to those little hooligans, and their parents (who I'm not "judging"... but I mean, c'mon... nevermind, yes. I'm definitely judging... you know who you are). The following is what I (along with the other "side-eyeing" parents at the park today) would have liked to say/do to some of the worst cuprits and their caregivers.
1. To the rock throwing child.
"What the actual eff child?! Who calls out in the direction of a small group of toddlers and when they, in all of their adorableness, look towards you, then throws a handful of stones in their perfect little faces. Who does that?! Go take your tiny little, rat-tail wearing, butt over to that park bench and give yourself a timeout. And then when you're done with that, go home. No more playground for you."
2. To the parent/caregiver of the rock thrower
"Where the eff are you? Do you really think that we don't see you sitting under that tree taking selfies to check your hair/makeup. Don't think I'm above lecturing your kid."
3. To the obnoxious 8 year old brats insisting on burrying each other with woodchips
"Could you please get you're whiney, booty-short wearing butts off the toddler slide and carry on with this ridiculousness somewhere else? There is only one slide that wee park patrons are able to competently navigate (that is without breaking their arms or necks). Also, if you haven't noticed, there have been 6 pairs of toddler feet within striking distance of your perfectly braided head. One more attempt by my little guy, and I may just let him go."
4. To the two protein shake drinking moms who are giggling and laughing at your obnoxious daughters
"Do you not realize that there are 6 sets of eyes glaring at both of you right now? No, they are not "just the cutest". Stop encouraging this. Have you forgotten what it's like to have an 18month old at the park? I hope so, otherwise you're just jerks. "
5. To the kid who follows around the little guys and refuses to let them do anything
"I don't know what your deal is buddy, but if you don't stop slide-blocking my son, I'm going to plant my mum-butt on that slide you've been running up and down for the last 20 minutes and refuse to move. Oh, you'll do the monkey bars? Well, I think I can hang there for a while too. We'll see how much you like walking back and forth with nothing to do."
6. To the mum of the abovementioned kid
"Let's get this straight, he's not "showing the little guys how it's done" as you would have that person on the phone believe. He's being an uber-weiner. Your kid isn't some celebrity that we are all feel honoured to watch play. If I wanted my little man to watch someone else have fun for 45 minutes, I would just put on a cartoon, in the comfort of our air-conditioned condo.
7. To the 3 kids who are sitting on the sprinklers in the splashpad
"We get it, it feels good. Water shooting up your butt, what could be better? But seriously, get the eff up, the rest of us would like to enjoy the cool sprays of the splashpad, it's like 40 degrees out."
8. To the daycare lady who's in charge of these 3 and another 4.
"I can't even imagine bringing 7 kids to this playground. Kudos to you. That being said, we're all hot and sweaty, so please ask them to move. Also, I know that kid 4 is having a meltdown, but kids 5, 6 and 7 are trying to push those first 3 off and a real fight is brewing. You might want to get on that one. Do you need us to step in? I'm more than happy to lay down the law."
End of rant. Thank you for reading.
Until next time my friends,
-A
 |
| Where's the water mum? Up the butts of those weiners dear. |
 |
| Eek! |
No comments:
Post a Comment