Parenting in a pandemic: 5 ways to raise resilient kids

The pan sizzles as the partially defrosted ground beef hits the cast-iron. I glance at my phone, it’s 5:15 pm, although according to the stove, it’s 3:34 am. I make a mental note to fix that tomorrow. The kids barrel into the kitchen. “It’s snowing! Can we go outside?”. I sigh audibly. If the older 2 go out, the toddler is no doubt, right behind them. I just want to make the damn spaghetti sauce, hurry along bedtime, and watch adult TV. “Fine.” I concede. I grab my coat, leaving the beef unmanned. Dinner is already late.

I recoil as the crisp October air hits my face. October snow. How very 2020 of you mother nature.

As I step down off the porch I am struck with the most beautiful sight. Three kids, laughing, smiling, and catching snowflakes on their tongues. The same kids who, not 10 minutes ago, were fighting about who’s foot got to rest on the blue pillow; who got to clip the wooden train tracks together and; who got to hold the broken string of dollar store beads at dinner time. For a moment, there is no global pandemic, no climate crisis, and no divisive politics, just unexpected snow, and joy and fresh air. In this most cliché of moments, I am reminded of and comforted by the resiliency of our kids.

Kids are naturally resilient. Remarkable moments, like a first snowfall, or going back to school during a pandemic, unmask that resiliency; but make no mistake it is always there. As parents it is important to foster that resiliency not only for the benefit of our children, but also to help build our own. 

Foster resiliency, for them and us. Got it. But how?

1. Tell them you love them.

Obviously, it is important to show your love through actions; but it is equally important to say the words out loud. Even if its through gritted teeth after a disastrous evening full of tears and tantrums and delayed bedtimes. Words matter. Hearing the words “I love you” gives your kids the space to say it back and creates additional pathways to that message in the brain. The simple act of saying it out loud makes it easier to retrieve in stressful times. Whether it’s tonight at bedtime or twenty years from now over the phone, exchanging “I love you” with your kids has the power to elicit the feelings of safety and nostalgia associated with being a kid or a parent of one. Resilience.

2. Listen to them.

Like, actually listen to what they have to say. I can appreciate there will be times, a lot of times when you have to multitask or when you just can’t. But make sure to make time for them. Put the phone down, close the laptop and look them in the eye while they tell you all about their dream of operating a Puppy Palace Vet Hospital and Grooming Centre or whatever fantastical ambition they have. As parents we need to acknowledge and support their dreams, but it’s equally important to ask solid follow-up questions and challenge their plans. The world is definitely going to. An active conversation can take imagination and passion to the next level while helping your kids develop the ability to adapt, modify or justify their ideas. Through these conversations our kids also have the power to inspire and challenge us to develop and justify our own dreams. Resilience.

3. Share your feelings with them.

If your feeling something, tell them. Label your feelings, say I am frustrated (sad, disappointed, relieved, excited, scared, overjoyed). By sharing your feelings, you give them permission to have and share their own; and by labeling them you give them a roadmap to communicate their feelings with you and the rest of the world. Just as importantly, you avoid bottling up your emotions leaving you better able to deal with life’s unpredictable ups and downs. Resilience.

4. Don’t solve every problem for them.

That being said, do help them solve the big ones or the little ones that create big emotions. You might be tempted to let them struggle, that it somehow builds character (and resilience) but be careful with that approach. While let them figure it out is completely appropriate for finding shoes, dividing up the last chocolate chip cookie and taking turns on the slide, it can be harmful for things like dealing with a bully, struggling with schoolwork, and navigating loss. Instead, offer support, guidance, and the resources you have amassed through your years of struggle. As a species we have been able to evolve and create amazing things because the people who came before us shared their experience, helping us avoid dangers and freeing us to focus on tackling bigger and better things. Working through the big things together can help everyone avoid creating bigger issues or needlessly repeating past struggles. Resilience.

5. Recognize that you wouldn’t be a parent without them.

This might seem obvious, but it can be easy to forget that we would not be the same parents with different children. Our kids shape and mould us as much as we shape and mould them. Our experience of and approach to parenting is intimately linked to our specific children. While it can sometimes feel like we have complete control over how we parent, the reality is our kids teach us how to parent them. So, be open to their lessons, sometimes they have answers we do not. Recognize that, as parents you learn and grow with your children, allowing you to capitalize on each other’s strengths and compensate for each other’s weaknesses. Resilience.

Resiliency is listening to your kids when they suggest a breather, a moment of fresh air. It is eating dinner 45 min late, skipping bath, and only having time for three books before bed. It is recognizing the world won’t stop spinning because you leave dinner on the stove for 20 min while the kids stomp around in the backyard. It is appreciating that a 20 min disruption on a typical Tuesday night might be all it takes to remind us that life is bigger than routines, schedules, and this week’s new cycle. Resiliency is knowing when to lead and when to follow. Kids are naturally resilient. If we can foster that resiliency, we will all be better positioned to succeed in life; and in 2020, the year of chaos and unprecedented events, resiliency is more important now than ever.