Recently, I’ve done some emergency educational assistant (EA) supply work at the kids’ school. While I can’t call myself an EA, my background in occupational therapy (OT) allows me to help out in an emergency capacity. In fact, my education and experience in child development and educational accommodation more than qualifies me to fill this role. However, to onlookers, I’m a helpful mom who happens to be at the school on days where behaviours are minimal. The other day, while working in my oldest’s class, I had a particularly good day working with a student I have worked with a few times before. When we got home, I excitedly reflected on the day with my husband. My son nonchalantly stated, “well, it’s a good thing you weren’t in the school yesterday, they had a really bad day with the other supply, with a bunch of major meltdowns.”
In that moment, I could have agreed and moved on, validating the “just got lucky” narrative. But I didn’t. I decided to challenge him. I asked him “Why do you think they had a good day today? What was different from yesterday?”.
He shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know.”
So I continued, “Did you know that their computer was frozen for the last 45 minutes of school today?”
“What?!” he exclaimed.
You see, the student I was working with has an extremely hard time transitioning, especially from their computer to other work. If they so much as see someone else using their computer, they tantrum, often becoming aggressive. It’s one of the most difficult behaviours to navigate with this student as they become extremely disruptive to others. So you can imagine how deep I had to dig into my OT and parenting skills, and how hard I had to work to redirect this student for the better part of an hour. My son got it. He’s been in class with this individual for 4 years, so the success was not lost on him.
“Wow, I had no idea. I’m going to tell Mrs. S. tomorrow.” he responded.
Why am I telling you this story? Because it parallels my experience as a parent.
Parenting is a profession that doesn’t require any formal education. Nevertheless, it is hard work and people can be good, and less good at it. However, like any craft, you can work to develop your skills, or you can just go through the motions. Regardless of parenting style or strategy, purposeful parenting can always be recognized by those paying attention.
The number of times I hear “you’re so lucky” tagged on to almost anything I work hard on with my kids “... that your kids are so well behaved”, “... that your kids sit to listen to stories”, “... that your kids sit and eat at the table”, “... that you can take your kids out to eat”, the list goes on and on. There is a crazy tendency for society to attribute parenting successes to “good kids”, as if nurture plays no role in child-rearing. As if we haven’t worked out butts off, putting in the hours to teach or facilitate the skills needed to succeed in any of these realms.
You wouldn’t look at a successful police detective and surmise that the cases simply solved themselves, or a designer that the furniture just placed itself, or an accountant that their books just balanced themselves, so why is this the case for parents?
As someone who chooses to be an at home parent this phenomenon is particularly frustrating, because at this time, this is literally my profession. Like any job, there are days where I nail it, and days when I simply shit the bed (those are typically the days where someone actually shits the bed); but like any job, it feels good to be recognized for the work you do and the outcomes you produce.
Some may argue that watching your children grow into happy, healthy, and successful members of society should be more than enough validation for parents, but those are often people who believe that parents simply watch children become (and the same people who believe that dads babysit their kids). It’s important for parents, and society, to understand that parenting is active. We can influence and shape the environments our kids grow in and activities they participate in, and we can model behaviour we want them to engage in.
Acknowledging the active role parents play when things go well supports these same parents when things are challenging. We do not always have success while parenting, there are days where we feel like we have no idea what we’re doing, when we feel like we’ve messed everything up. But the important thing to remember is that, we have the ability to influence the direction our families head; we are not simply at the mercy of good luck or bad circumstances.
Titles indicate expertise, but expertise doesn’t mean you know everything. It means you understand that there’s always more to learn. It means you consciously choose to continually seek out new information and use that to inform your actions. So by that definition, I’ve earned the (unprotected) title of Parenting Expert and will use that title to identify the role I play in society, and encourage others who feel the same to rightfully claim their title, especially my fellow at home parents. We’ve got this. Enjoy the promotion!
