Four concepts that everyone needs to grasp to make the world a better place in 2022

If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that predictability is an illusion. It’s that no one is privy to the script of the cosmic production we’re all part of. We all must be willing to adapt to an everchanging narrative while understanding and accepting that no particular ending is guaranteed. While that may seem bleak and depressing, I can promise you it’s not. There is something quite liberating about acknowledging that the roles we play are not and cannot be set in stone. What we choose to do and how we choose to do it will almost always be modified from start to finish. The unpredictability of life adds an element of excitement, of interest, but also of interdependence on others.

This non-negotiable interdependence has been on full display throughout the global pandemic. Never before have humans been so acutely aware of how what we do as individuals impacts the group. With the massive amount of education we’ve received on disease spread, not only could the average Canadian probably teach an intro to epidemiology course but we understand how a single person can have a regional impact. That being said, the last couple of years have also demonstrated that the balance of interdependence is fluid, meaning certain members of society rely on or support others more at any given time. The balance is maintained more easily when everyone in a society understands this and acts accordingly.

As a parent, I feel one of the most important lessons we need to teach our children is that while their actions are not likely to be the "be-all and end-all" to life as we know it, they do impact others, always. However, there are ways to soften or strengthen that impact depending on the circumstance. It is important to me that my kids understand and are able to tailor their impact on others. While I don’t pretend to have all (or even a fraction) of the answers to what someone should or should not do and when, I do know that understanding the following concepts makes it easier to recognize your impact and act accordingly to make the world a better place for everyone.

1. Acknowledging you don’t know what you don’t know

This may seem simple enough, but it is the most important concept to grasp. No one has all the answers. No one. Ironically, what makes someone an expert is one’s willingness to acknowledge there is much they don’t know and to be a lifelong learner. As individuals we must seek information and guidance from a variety of sources. Expertise cannot exist in a vacuum or from a single perspective and the wisest members of society understand and embrace this.

2. Understanding that regardless of what you’re working on, you approach it from a perspective that is unique to you and your experience

I am a white, heterosexual, cisgender woman, who grew up in rural Ontario, and went to university. I live in a loving and financially stable home. I chose to have children and have the privilege of staying home with them. My understanding and worldview are born out of that reality. This is not to say that I am unable to appreciate, understand, and incorporate other perspectives, but doing so requires conscious action on my part and an understanding that even that process is influenced by my own perspective and life experiences.

3. Sometimes you need to recognize when you have expertise and choose to lead

There will be times when you look around and realize you are the expert in the group and others will look to you to lead. It can be overwhelming realizing you are the one best positioned to take charge. Perhaps it is my personality, or tendency towards “imposter syndrome”, but I’ve always struggled to feel comfortable in leadership roles. I credit parenthood with helping me overcome some of my hesitancy in this realm, as children will fashion you an expert on topics completely out of your depth and you just have to roll with it and learn on the fly. The same is true for most leadership roles and if I impart just one thing on my children, it will be that when presented with the opportunity, leadership is a process that you can and should embrace.

4. Volunteerism is one of the most undervalued roles in society.

Volunteers are the backbone of society and should be valued as such. All too often, I’ve heard and/or experienced the sentiment that “those who choose to volunteer do so because they are somehow inferior to paid workers or unaware that they could find paid roles doing similar activities”. Volunteerism, at least current society, is what allows society to continue to advance. It is volunteers, not politicians, or executives, or even taxpayers, that foot the infinite bill ensuring the most members of society have opportunities to participate, advance, and even thrive in society. Whether we’re talking about volunteer little league coaches, board members, soup kitchen staff, at home parents, 4H leaders, city council committee members, hospital gift shop workers, etc., these individuals support sectors that are often under or not funded by any other means. Volunteers will always be needed by society, and my kids will grow up understanding this. It is my hope that they will go on to do great things, and that volunteerism will be part of that.

The world is complicated and ever evolving. As humans, we have a responsibility to work together to carve out and navigate a meaningful existence. As a parent, I will continue to incorporate the above concepts into my parenting to demonstrate how each and every one of us can work to make the world a more inclusive, compassionate, and understanding place.  

  

An Open Letter to the Freedom Convoy

Dear Freedom Fighters,

I’m happy to see so many people “waking up” to engage in Canadian politics and the wonderful democracy we live in. So nice of you to finally join us. Despite what your signs and “calls to action” may suggest, there are a whole bunch of us who’ve actually been up for a while. In fact, we’ve had breakfast, cleaned up, and are sitting at the table with our second cup of coffee. We heard you rumbling around up there and wondered when you’d finally grace us with your presence. Alas! Here you are.

So, for those of you just joining us, I want you to know just because you’re choosing to engage in politics at this moment, does not mean you automatically get what you want. That’s not how democracy works. Yes, absolutely, everyone has the right to share their view, opinions, and voice their concerns; it’s a beautiful thing, democracy. As a member of a democracy, it’s inspiring to see any movement capable of rousing members previously asleep at the wheel. However, just because you’ve finally realized you, too, can participate, does not mean, you automatically get what you want, when you want it. Again, that is not how democracy works.

I’m not a political junkie by any means, nor am I a political scientist, however, I am a Canadian who has participated wholeheartedly in the electoral process of all levels of government since given the opportunity back in 2005. What I’ve learned throughout those elections is that, like in any contest, sometimes your person wins, and sometimes they don’t. It doesn’t mean the losing perspective isn’t valid, or wasn’t heard, it just means that more people chose the other perspective. The majority, as determined by these federal, provincial, and municipal elections, pick the people that make up the government and by doing so issue directives (aka mandates) based on those elected officials' platforms. Being in the minority can be disappointing and disheartening, but it doesn’t mean the election was unjust or invalid. But thankfully, it also doesn’t disqualify you from trying again next time.

Canadians just went to the polls, not 4 months ago. One of the main ballot box issues, for those choosing to inform themselves before heading to the polls, was literally “how do we, as Canadians, want to navigate out of the pandemic”. The majority of Canadians who took the time to engage with the democratic process, voted in favour of continuing to navigate the pandemic using public health  guidance. Therefore, public health restrictions were not sneakily applied, or undemocratically imposed on Canadians. We, as voting Canadians, chose the path we’re on. If you feel otherwise, simply because it wasn’t the path you and your convoy voted for (or would have voted for if you did not exercise your right to vote), that’s on you and I encourage you all to make sure you show up to the ballot box this summer (provincial), this fall (municipal) and in 4 years (federal). While you’re at it, consider working at the polls, we could use the extra hands. But in the meantime, you should go home, engage with the politicians who best represent your views and determine what you can do to help them get elected next time. Unfortunately, I doubt honking horns, setting off fireworks, dancing in the street, or playing road hockey (although all fun activities) will be on their lists of how you can help.

But in all seriousness, I hope that all newly engaged-with-the-democratic-process Canadians continue to engage long after this protest is done, because, while I don’t agree with a lot of what you have to say, democracies work best when diverse voices contribute.

Sincerely,

An already awake (and free) Canadian

I've been promoted to Parenting Expert (and you can be too)!

I strongly believe titles are important. While they aren’t always necessary, they do validate. They represent a commitment to a craft, a level of expertise. Some titles are protected like doctor, lawyer, accountant etc. That means before you can use it, you need to earn a piece of paper that says you’ve met the criteria society has deemed necessary to do the job. Other titles can simply be claimed by people engaging in certain activities, like farmer, entrepreneur, artist, bartender, author. Regardless of whether it’s protected, people with titles rarely introduce themselves as “just a doctor, plumber, entrepreneur, photographer…”. A title gives a person the language to effectively communicate their strengths, interests, and/or passion. As an at home parent, I struggle with my title because parent can mean different things to different people and at home does not effectively communicate my strengths, interests, or passions. As a parent I’m a jack of all trades, but am not a master of none, I’m a master of many.  

Recently, I’ve done some emergency educational assistant (EA) supply work at the kids’ school. While I can’t call myself an EA, my background in occupational therapy (OT) allows me to help out in an emergency capacity. In fact, my education and experience in child development and educational accommodation more than qualifies me to fill this role. However, to onlookers, I’m a helpful mom who happens to be at the school on days where behaviours are minimal. The other day, while working in my oldest’s class, I had a particularly good day working with a student I have worked with a few times before. When we got home, I excitedly reflected on the day with my husband. My son nonchalantly stated, “well, it’s a good thing you weren’t in the school yesterday, they had a really bad day with the other supply, with a bunch of major meltdowns.”

In that moment, I could have agreed and moved on, validating the “just got lucky” narrative. But I didn’t. I decided to challenge him. I asked him “Why do you think they had a good day today? What was different from yesterday?”. 

He shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know.” 

So I continued, “Did you know that their computer was frozen for the last 45 minutes of school today?”

“What?!” he exclaimed. 

You see, the student I was working with has an extremely hard time transitioning, especially from their computer to other work. If they so much as see someone else using their computer, they tantrum, often becoming aggressive. It’s one of the most difficult behaviours to navigate with this student as they become extremely disruptive to others. So you can imagine how deep I had to dig into my OT and parenting skills, and how hard I had to work to redirect this student for the better part of an hour. My son got it. He’s been in class with this individual for 4 years, so the success was not lost on him.

“Wow, I had no idea. I’m going to tell Mrs. S. tomorrow.” he responded.

Why am I telling you this story? Because it parallels my experience as a parent.

Parenting is a profession that doesn’t require any formal education. Nevertheless, it is hard work and people can be good, and less good at it. However, like any craft, you can work to develop your skills, or you can just go through the motions. Regardless of parenting style or strategy, purposeful parenting can always be recognized by those paying attention. 

The number of times I hear “you’re so lucky” tagged on to almost anything I work hard on with my kids “... that your kids are so well behaved”, “... that your kids sit to listen to stories”, “... that your kids sit and eat at the table”, “... that you can take your kids out to eat”, the list goes on and on. There is a crazy tendency for society to attribute parenting successes to “good kids”, as if nurture plays no role in child-rearing. As if we haven’t worked out butts off, putting in the hours to teach or facilitate the skills needed to succeed in any of these realms. 

You wouldn’t look at a successful police detective and surmise that the cases simply solved themselves, or a designer that the furniture just placed itself, or an accountant that their books just balanced themselves, so why is this the case for parents? 

As someone who chooses to be an at home parent this phenomenon is particularly frustrating, because at this time, this is literally my profession. Like any job, there are days where I nail it, and days when I simply shit the bed (those are typically the days where someone actually shits the bed); but like any job, it feels good to be recognized for the work you do and the outcomes you produce. 

Some may argue that watching your children grow into happy, healthy, and successful members of society should be more than enough validation for parents, but those are often people who believe that parents simply watch children become (and the same people who believe that dads babysit their kids). It’s important for parents, and society, to understand that parenting is active. We can influence and shape the environments our kids grow in and activities they participate in, and we can model behaviour we want them to engage in. 

Acknowledging the active role parents play when things go well supports these same parents when things are challenging. We do not always have success while parenting, there are days where we feel like we have no idea what we’re doing, when we feel like we’ve messed everything up. But the important thing to remember is that, we have the ability to influence the direction our families head; we are not simply at the mercy of good luck or bad circumstances. 

Titles indicate expertise, but expertise doesn’t mean you know everything. It means you understand that there’s always more to learn. It means you consciously choose to continually seek out new information and use that to inform your actions. So by that definition, I’ve earned the (unprotected) title of Parenting Expert and will use that title to identify the role I play in society, and encourage others who feel the same to rightfully claim their title, especially my fellow at home parents. We’ve got this. Enjoy the promotion!

Sex, Drugs and Apples Whole

As a new parent, I read somewhere that giving babies and toddlers whole apples is safer and better for development than cutting them into pieces. The reason being, a whole apple is easier to pick up and hold on to; and babies and toddlers tend to only bite off as much as they can safely chew, versus pre-cut pieces that might be too big or too small. I can’t remember where I read this, or why it stuck, but it did. I took this approach to apples with all three of my kids. When they were small, I peeled the apples to further minimize their risk of choking, but also to prevent the mess they inevitably made by spitting skin out all over the floor. As they’ve grown, I peel them less often since they are quite capable of chewing and swallowing, and the skin is full of nutrients. But what does this have to do with sex and drugs?

Almost any subject, issue or event can be likened to an apple. You can either give it to your kids whole, or break it into pieces. As a parent, if you give it to them whole, they decide how much they bite off, and how much of it to consume. If presented in pieces, you decide the size of the bites; but you also run the risk of the pieces being too big or too small. Neither approach is wrong, and perhaps there are situations that call for one approach over the other, or even a combination of the two. However, more often than not, I’ve taken the whole-apple approach to parenting.  

When it comes to sex and sexuality, we are very open with our kids. My kids know about the different ways babies are made and born. They know about penetrative sex, IVF and adoption; they know about vaginal births, c-sections, surrogate and still births. Similarly, they know that love is love; and that people identify as men, women, both or neither and love others regardless of how they or their loved ones identify. But just as important, they know that none of the above occurs in a vacuum. They know that while our family (and for the most part, the law) embraces any combination of the above, people are discriminated against for how they have babies, how they identify and who they love. 

Taking a whole-apple approach to this topic leaves space for kids to ask us questions when things don’t quite add up, but it also allows them to problem-solve on their own when confronted with incompatible narratives. For example, I overheard a conversation between my 5 year old daughter and her best friend the other day. She excitedly told her friend that they could get married one day and her friend replied “No we can’t. We’re both girls.” Instead of arguing, shutting down, or coming to me, I heard her reply, “Yes we can! We haven’t always been able to and some people still think we can’t, but we can. Girls can marry girls!”. It might seem small and insignificant; but by giving my kids the whole apple, not just the piece about same-sex marriage being legal, but that it hasn’t always been, and that some people still think it’s wrong, it allowed my 5 year old to not only understand her friend’s point of view but to educate when she encountered an incongruency. It gave her power. 

Similarly, we’ve taken the whole-apple approach with drugs. With a doctor dad, and a mom who takes medication daily due to a missing thyroid, we felt it important to be really clear when it comes to drugs. My kids know that there are prescription and recreational drugs, some drugs are legal, some are not, and any can be used inappropriately or abused. By acknowledging that the use of drugs is complicated, we avoid the “drugs are bad therefore the people who use them are bad” black and white thinking that we were fed as kids. While some drugs are bad, an important piece of the apple; how we discuss drugs around kids informs how they think about and understand them going forward. The “drugs are bad” piece of the apple may seem like a good approach, but can be confusing for kids if they or someone they know takes medication, or they have a loved one with a substance use disorder. It also contributes to and perpetuates the stigma around drug use and substance use disorders. A whole-apple approach to drugs gives kids a framework for understanding big topics like the opioid-crisis and legalization of marijuana. 

Taking the whole-apple approach to drugs gave us space to discuss drug safety with our 7 year old. The reality of parenting in 2021 is that marijuana is legal and available in all sorts of appealing candies and baked goods; and these tasty treats are found in cupboards, drawers and on top of fridges of good people all over the country. Because he already knows that marijuana is used recreationally, similar to alcohol. We can explicitly say to our son “don’t eat candy that you and your friends “find” at their house because there could be marijuana in it and it will make you sick” vs. “don’t eat candy that you and your friends “find” at their house.” The latter leaves an air of mystery, a challenge or simply confusion. Kids will inevitably ask “why” anyway, so it’s also just easier to answer their questions up front. So in this case, instead of having to do mental gymnastics around the topic of recreational drug use, we got to listen to my son talk about how it’s hilarious that adults want candy flavoured drugs at all, and then we moved on to an in depth discussion about Lego. 

As a parent, it can be scary to give our kids whole apples, especially at a young age; but the reality is, it can also be safer and better for their development. Similarly, being upfront and comprehensive with them when discussing touchy subjects, issues, and events, gives your kids more control over how they process and consolidate both the information and their feelings. It also transfers the power from the topic itself to them; and for growing minds trying to make sense of a complex world, that is invaluable. That being said, there will be times when you might want, or they might ask you, to peel the skin or cut it up for them and that’s ok, but whenever possible, give the apple whole.

Covid, Causes and Convenience Advocates

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it is that the line that separates the "haves" from the "have nots" is not fixed; and individuals who straddle the divide can find themselves on either side without warning. Financial stability is often used to determine whether you are a "have" or a "have not"; however most would agree that physical and mental health and wellbeing are equally as important to quality of life. That being said, we also know that physical and mental health are intimately linked to financial stability. It's one giant Venn diagram. Now why does this matter? 

The pandemic has forced each of us to reflect on and define what it means to be a "have" or a "have not". Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, our definitions differ, sometimes greatly. What I believe constitutes a "have", may not meet your "have" criteria; and likewise my definition of a "have not" may be more in line with your "have" criteria. These discrepancies create rifts in the, already strained, social fabric of our communities. They also give rise to a phenomena I call convenience advocacy. 

Convenience advocacy, for the purpose of this post, means using an actual cause to further an agenda for individuals outside of the cause. I'm not saying that individuals outside of a cause cannot advocate for causes they don't personally identify with, absolutely they can and should. But! When people only seem to care when they have something to gain, that is not advocacy, that's opportunism. 

The pandemic highlights where we have failed to support the most vulnerable as a society, including those experiencing homelessness, substance use disorders, those in for-profit long-term care homes, survivors of and those currently experiencing domestic abuse and anyone who needs to access to mental health services. However, what the media headlines often fail to include is the fact that these issues have plagued our communities since long before Covid, and without actual change, will continue to do so long after. 

Convenience advocates often regurgitate these headlines as if they are breaking news, or a simple byproduct of the pandemic, and more specifically it's restrictions. They float out "increased rates of suicidal ideation" as an argument to open ski hills and "the tragic death of an individual due to a shuttered homeless shelter" as an argument to end lock downs. These arguments rarely include action beyond "opening the ski hill" or "easing restrictions". Most times there is no mention of addressing the root cause of these issues, which, spoiler alert, is NOT the pandemic or its restrictions. Rather, as a society we need to increase access to mental health services, safe and affordable housing and regulated long-term care beds. How do we do that? By properly funded them. That's the story. That's what needs advocating.  

Anyone can make a post, paint a sign, circulate a petition, but until you start voting for people who prioritize the health and wellbeing of vulnerable populations and properly fund the services needed to prevent or eliminate disparities, you, my friend, are a convenience advocate; and your efforts do not help the vulnerable, the ones not straddling the line, the ones firmly on the "have not" side of society, the ones who will not benefit from elimination of Covid, or its restrictions. 

While the pandemic did shift a large chunk of our population over the line to the "have not" side of society; there is a large group of people who equate a restricted lifestyle with living as a "have not". I acknowledge that the struggle, frustration and hardship that comes with living through a global pandemic is real; but the reality is, if the easing of restrictions or opening of ski hills can flip you back to the "haves", in my opinion, you are not truly a "have not". This is where differing definitions of "haves" and "have nots" can create tension. If someone truly feels they are a "have not" and advocate for change to remedy that, and change happens, is that opportunistic? No. I suppose not; but many of the causes being used to support these claims cannot be remedied by the gentle flicker of a neon OPEN sign.  

All that being said, nothing would make me happier than for these "convenience advocates" to prove me wrong. I hope there truly has been a societal enlightenment about the importance of caring for our most vulnerable. I hope people continue to petition and rant and post and demand more of politicians and those in power when it comes to properly funding organizations that support the vulnerable members of our communities; because the pandemic will end, life will return to a semblance of normal, but inequalities and injustices will remain. 

    

The last hug.

Arms outstretched, I lean in. The warm familiarity engulfs me. I hold tight for just a little longer, as if doing so will transfer all my love directly into their heart. As we part, a smile bubbles up from my chest bursting out from the corners of my mouth. “Drive safe. See you next year!” they joke, as if “next year” isn’t a week away. I muster an obligatory chuckle. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have held on for longer, leaned in a little harder, really soaked it in.  

That moment has sustained me for nearly a year; but as the anniversary of that last hug from mom and dad draws nearer, its gravity starts to diminish. An emptiness starts to fill the void. I panic as I imagine never getting to hug them again. If in less than a year, that magic starts to fade I shutter at the thought of…

I know, I know. I am being dramatic; but the reality is being apart from loved ones is hard.

As another round of holidays barrel towards us in the time of Covid, I am reminded of our mortality, and of how little control we really have over our lives. I am reminded not to take moments (and hugs) for granted. While I'm hopeful that my parents and I will get a hug (or two) in in 2021, as mere mortals we never truly know which hug will be our last. So, when it is once again safe to give out hugs, watch out world, as I intend to hold them for an uncomfortable length of time!

Circa Sept 2019

 

 

Three and done? No way! 5 ways I will have more children

Gone are the days when I stare down the pregnancy test, forcefully willing it to display a single line, or perhaps two, depending on the year. My heart pounding as I do the same dance, first refusing to look, then nervously peeking, painfully scrutinizing, and squinting just to be sure. Four pregnancies, three babies and one vasectomy later, I no longer need to spend a small fortune on pregnancy tests. Barring a medical miracle, my uterus will not be housing any more bundles of joy. However, my family is not complete. While I do not plan on birthing any more babies, I’m not done having kids.   

If parenting has taught me anything, it is that life is unpredictable. It is not a perfectly mapped out journey, rather a collection of destinations scattered across a series of pages, some held by you, some held by others. Despite only having a tiny piece of the map, I really feel like I have hit my stride with parenting. Don’t get me wrong, I do have days where I want to run away from it all; but I love being a mom and having the opportunity to shape, mould and nurture little peoples’ minds.

They say once a mom, always a mom and I while I am still knee deep raising the 3 that live under my roof, I can already see how I will continue to add to my kid count.

1. My Kid’s Friends

Now that my kids are in school, I have had the pleasure of meeting and hearing about many of their school friends. While some parents may not always appreciate the role we play in the lives of our kids’ friends; I am acutely aware of the impact of an impromptu after-school conversation or play-date check-ins on the development of their hopes and dreams. Through my own kids, I learn so much about their friends’ goals, hesitancies, resources, and fears. Detailed and unfiltered reports from our kids uniquely position us to offer support and encouragement to their friends. I feel a responsibility to these young minds to facilitate their goals in the same way I do my own.

2. My Friends’ Kids

Almost all my friends are parents now, and boy does that make me feel old. While I sometimes long for the carefree days of childless partying and flourishing into our own together, there is something special about being an unofficial “auntie” to this growing collective of children. The love and support I showered on my partners in crime, as teens and 20-somethings has effortlessly trickled down to their offspring. Whether its sitting bedside of a teeny baby extremely eager to meet us all in person (a whopping three months early), supporting a preschooler’s decision to forgo pants for a summer, or reading up on what it means to be a toddler with celiac; I love these kids with all my being and would take each and every one of them in in a heartbeat.

3. Nieces and Nephews

This squad of little people has been part of my narrative since long before they were born. My sisters and I did not spend our childhoods daydreaming about babies, rather some of us balked at the idea of kids altogether. However, as kids, we were tasked with naming the calves born on the farm and inevitably, we would end up arguing over who would get to use what name for their own kids someday. Those name lists are long gone, and thankfully Princess, Honey, or Panache were not bestowed upon any of our children. What remains, is the special connection of my nieces and nephews to not only my childhood but my first exploration of what it meant to be a mom. I love each and every one of them and will root for their success and happiness in life until the day I die; and if that does not sum up being a mom, then I don’t know what does.

4. Foster Children

While fostering kids is not something we are actively exploring, it is on my radar for the future. We are fortunate to be in a position where we have the stability and the resources to provide a safe landing place for kids who would otherwise be at the mercy of a strained system. The opportunity to weave into a child’s life to offer support, encouragement and stability is not unlike motherhood in general. I was handed 3 different babies in 3 different delivery rooms not knowing how long we would be together or how long they would need me, but nevertheless committed my love and unconditional support to each one. It is with the same passion and commitment to the unknown that I will welcome these beautiful souls into our family.

5. Exchange Students

This is a biggie for me, and something I hold near and dear to my heart. I have dozens of brothers and sisters all around the world because my parents opened our home over 50 times to youth in search of a place to learn and grow. As a mom and global citizen, I feel it is my job to offer myself as a surrogate mom to young people in search of cross-cultural experiences. It can be scary to leave everything and everyone you know in search of adventure and learning, and it is up to parents all around the world to offer the familiarity of kind words, helpful hands, and non-judgmental guidance (or at the very least, someone to read you the riot act before attending that high school keg party). I plan on having a whole bunch of kids this way (bonus is they all come potty-trained)!

Regardless of the number I end up with, I know motherhood will continue to be an exciting adventure of delicately weaving in and out of my kids lives. At times, I will play a large role but much more often I will be working silently in the background to support, encourage and facilitate their growth. There is no shortage of kids needing that kind of love. So, am I done having kids? Absolutely not. In fact, as a parent, I don’t believe any of us are truly “done having kids”, because like I said before once a parent always a parent.