As a new parent, I read somewhere that giving babies and toddlers whole apples is safer and better for development than cutting them into pieces. The reason being, a whole apple is easier to pick up and hold on to; and babies and toddlers tend to only bite off as much as they can safely chew, versus pre-cut pieces that might be too big or too small. I can’t remember where I read this, or why it stuck, but it did. I took this approach to apples with all three of my kids. When they were small, I peeled the apples to further minimize their risk of choking, but also to prevent the mess they inevitably made by spitting skin out all over the floor. As they’ve grown, I peel them less often since they are quite capable of chewing and swallowing, and the skin is full of nutrients. But what does this have to do with sex and drugs?
Almost any subject, issue or event can be likened to an apple. You can either give it to your kids whole, or break it into pieces. As a parent, if you give it to them whole, they decide how much they bite off, and how much of it to consume. If presented in pieces, you decide the size of the bites; but you also run the risk of the pieces being too big or too small. Neither approach is wrong, and perhaps there are situations that call for one approach over the other, or even a combination of the two. However, more often than not, I’ve taken the whole-apple approach to parenting.
When it comes to sex and sexuality, we are very open with our kids. My kids know about the different ways babies are made and born. They know about penetrative sex, IVF and adoption; they know about vaginal births, c-sections, surrogate and still births. Similarly, they know that love is love; and that people identify as men, women, both or neither and love others regardless of how they or their loved ones identify. But just as important, they know that none of the above occurs in a vacuum. They know that while our family (and for the most part, the law) embraces any combination of the above, people are discriminated against for how they have babies, how they identify and who they love.
Taking a whole-apple approach to this topic leaves space for kids to ask us questions when things don’t quite add up, but it also allows them to problem-solve on their own when confronted with incompatible narratives. For example, I overheard a conversation between my 5 year old daughter and her best friend the other day. She excitedly told her friend that they could get married one day and her friend replied “No we can’t. We’re both girls.” Instead of arguing, shutting down, or coming to me, I heard her reply, “Yes we can! We haven’t always been able to and some people still think we can’t, but we can. Girls can marry girls!”. It might seem small and insignificant; but by giving my kids the whole apple, not just the piece about same-sex marriage being legal, but that it hasn’t always been, and that some people still think it’s wrong, it allowed my 5 year old to not only understand her friend’s point of view but to educate when she encountered an incongruency. It gave her power.
Similarly, we’ve taken the whole-apple approach with drugs. With a doctor dad, and a mom who takes medication daily due to a missing thyroid, we felt it important to be really clear when it comes to drugs. My kids know that there are prescription and recreational drugs, some drugs are legal, some are not, and any can be used inappropriately or abused. By acknowledging that the use of drugs is complicated, we avoid the “drugs are bad therefore the people who use them are bad” black and white thinking that we were fed as kids. While some drugs are bad, an important piece of the apple; how we discuss drugs around kids informs how they think about and understand them going forward. The “drugs are bad” piece of the apple may seem like a good approach, but can be confusing for kids if they or someone they know takes medication, or they have a loved one with a substance use disorder. It also contributes to and perpetuates the stigma around drug use and substance use disorders. A whole-apple approach to drugs gives kids a framework for understanding big topics like the opioid-crisis and legalization of marijuana.
Taking the whole-apple approach to drugs gave us space to discuss drug safety with our 7 year old. The reality of parenting in 2021 is that marijuana is legal and available in all sorts of appealing candies and baked goods; and these tasty treats are found in cupboards, drawers and on top of fridges of good people all over the country. Because he already knows that marijuana is used recreationally, similar to alcohol. We can explicitly say to our son “don’t eat candy that you and your friends “find” at their house because there could be marijuana in it and it will make you sick” vs. “don’t eat candy that you and your friends “find” at their house.” The latter leaves an air of mystery, a challenge or simply confusion. Kids will inevitably ask “why” anyway, so it’s also just easier to answer their questions up front. So in this case, instead of having to do mental gymnastics around the topic of recreational drug use, we got to listen to my son talk about how it’s hilarious that adults want candy flavoured drugs at all, and then we moved on to an in depth discussion about Lego.
As a parent, it can be scary to give our kids whole apples, especially at a young age; but the reality is, it can also be safer and better for their development. Similarly, being upfront and comprehensive with them when discussing touchy subjects, issues, and events, gives your kids more control over how they process and consolidate both the information and their feelings. It also transfers the power from the topic itself to them; and for growing minds trying to make sense of a complex world, that is invaluable. That being said, there will be times when you might want, or they might ask you, to peel the skin or cut it up for them and that’s ok, but whenever possible, give the apple whole.
