Well, I'm finally starting to feel like a mum, and better yet, a mum who has an idea of what in the heck she's doing. Not that I feel like I have all the answers, or even 1/100th of the answers, but I have a couple answers, which is good enough for me! I think the best way to describe it, is that I feel like I know more about my baby than you do. While, deep down I know that I have alllways known more about K then the rest of the world, it has really only been in the last couple of weeks that I've really truly felt this way. In the first few months, I would tell myself "he's my baby, of course I know him best", but secretly, I would hang on to every word, every piece of non-solicited advice others would offer, and feel obligated to try it out, even if it was just in private where no one could see if it was successful or not. Lately, I've overcome that insecurity and welcomed a new sense of confidence in my decision-making as a parent. I know some things that work, and I know some things that don't. I have a grab bag of tricks, so I don't feel flustered if the first thing I try doesn't solve the problem.
Now that I'm rockin' that new mum swagger, I've been spending more and more time reflecting on the first few months of motherhood. How has it really been? What have I learned about myself? How has my relationship with K evolved? How have my other relationships changed? Is there anything I would do differently? How am I doing now?
I know some of you may be rolling your eyes right now, thinking that this whole self-reflection thing is a bunch of b.s. I mean, who actually does this for real? But I've found that as a stay at home mum (temporarily in the burbs') I have had a lot of time to think about things (and my thinking typically turns to reflecting).
The more I reflect, the more I believe that one of the hardest questions to answer as a new mum (and maybe as a mom at any stage) is "How are you liking motherhood?"
Whenever I'm confronted with this question, I find myself spewing out endless amounts of cliches and pre-fab phrases. "I'm really enjoying it"; "It's so rewarding"; "I couldn't feel more fulfilled"; "It's the best job in the world"; "It's better than I could've ever imagined"; "Tiring but so worth it".
And while I do feel all of those things at times, does that really capture how I feel about motherhood?
The short answer. No.
The long answer...
I didn't fall gracefully into mummyhood, though I would argue that in real life, no one does. The first few days of K's life, I didn't really feel like a mum at all. My whole labour and delivery experience was incredibly surreal, and it although K took 2 whole days to arrive it seemed to happen so very fast. I remember watching D as he held K for the first time, and as he changed, rocked and swaddled our new little baby with such pride. While I knew he was mine and I loved him, I didn't feel that I possessed that strong of a connection those first few days... weeks even. It made me feel really guilty. I remember sitting in my tiny condo, staring at this tiny baby, waiting to feel that burst of overwhelming pride and joy. Each day, D would come home and I would fill him in on our daily happenings. He was always so excited at each tiny accomplishment, each milestone reached. I'm not sure if D could sense the difficulty I was having interacting with K as a mum, or if he just didn't want to miss out, but he suggested that I snap and send him pictures frequently throughout the day. It was a wonderful idea, as snapping pictures of my adorable baby provided a perfect opportunity for interacting with K. As the pictures began to overload my phone and computer, I slowly began to see what he was seeing, feel what he was feeling, that amazing, astounding sense of pride in our tiny little human!
As the months passed, I have come to love this little guy so much more than I could ever describe. I can't remember life before him, and can't imagine life without him. At month 5 of K's life, I'm not liking motherhood at all, I'm loving it. In fact, I think most mum's would say that loving (liking) motherhood is a given.
However, I would like to caution all you question bombers (my pre-K self included) to think before dropping this question, as not all mums start off loving motherhood right out of the gate. Like any new job, the skills can take time to develop. There is a steep learning curve to motherhood. Reflecting on my first few months as a mum, I think it's perfectly fair to assume that a new mum could love her baby, while not necessarily loving or even liking motherhood. But is that the answer a new mum would like to provide a prying stranger (or loved one)? No. Is that an answer that that prying individual would expect to receive? Not likely. In my case, this loaded question just compounded the guilt I already felt, as not only was I not liking motherhood, but now I had to lie about it.
I recognize that most people do not ask this question with a ton of thought behind it, and similarily they don't expect (or even want) an answer with a ton of thought behind it. Like the question "How's it going?", it has evolved to be an automatic, somewhat meaningless question. But this question, can be extremely loaded for a hormonal, sleep-deprived, and extremely emotional new mum. Moreover, as a mum who spends most hours of the day with a companion who has very few conversational skills, I appreciate (read: crave) a good adult conversation. So these crappy, fluffy, substanceless questions do me (and any other mum for that matter) little to no good. Rather, one could ask a new mum "What have you learned today/this week/this month?" or "What are you planning for the next week/month/year?". I think it's fair to say that the questions you ask don't ever have to explicitly mention motherhood (or being a mum), as any conversation-inducing question will inevitably elicit an answer that involves our little ones and therefore our experiences as a mum.
Maybe this is just the OT in me, but I feel that this approach not only makes for better conversation, but I believe that it also allows mums to shape and share their responses in a way that preserves their identity as a person who is now a mum, rather than being defined solely as a mum. This is what I failed to appreciate during those first few weeks of mummyhood when I didn't magically feel all mummy-like. I needed help (and good conversation) to remember that I was many things before being a mum, and I will continue to be many things as a mum. Once I was able to integrate this new role of mum into my pre-existing personhood, I felt like I was on my way (not that I have any idea of where this crazy ride will take me).
I know
that being a mum opens you up to all sorts of questions, from all sorts of
people (including those tiny little babies who will eventually grow into inquiring
toddlers/kidlets). But as a new mom you are thrown right into it, having to
face some doozies right off the bat… How was labour/recovery? Is he sleeping
well? Are you breastfeeding? What is post baby sex like? However, those gems
will have to wait for another day as it’s late, so late, that K has already
been up for one of his nightly feeds, and if I don’t get to bed soon, morning
(and our 2nd wedding anniversary) will be here before my head hits
the pillow!
-A
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| Lovin' Mummyhood at the Zoo! |
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